zen 2008

I have always wanted to disappear from before Thanksgiving ‘til after New Year’s. The closest I have come to that was this year going into retreat at the Bodhi Manda Zen Center for just over 2 weeks, before the new year. I arrived at a quiet time at the center, just me, T., a remarkable old yenta who became in my mind, a Zenta. She seemed happy for the break in routine and a granddaughter type to talk to. She likes to talk. There was K. who had driven from the Midwest after his marriage collapsed, a “student” who pushed my buttons in a way that only family can, perhaps my greatest teacher though painfully repulsive and annoying to me at the time. Then there was I. a young, grad and zen student, who did his best to hold down the fort. A real “Lord of the Flies” situation which after one day of cleaning toilets, making 30 beds and being looked to as psychological leader, I requested to be in silent meditation for a week.

My goal in coming was to empty my mind, give it space, digest Jenny not being in my life palpably anymore and process my Aunt’s passing, essentially from breast cancer. The center has tremendous hot springs right on the Jemez River and I took the time to detox my body as well as my head and heart. Listening only to I. who would tell me the schedule and my work, I wandered in the volcanic tuff, writing, cooking, cleaning and meditating. The schedule was rigorous and this was a down time. When the Osho (priest also the Vice Abbot) returned a typical day went something like this:
4 AM-wake up

4:15-In the Sutra Hall for chanting (a very methodical, phonetic chant, one is the Heart Sutra)

5:00-Zendo-for meditation-complete silence and stillness is the goal. Beginners count to ten and concentrate on breath. Students are given a koan (riddle) by the Roshi (great teacher) later. There are sesshins which are intense monastic training periods where the Roshi is present and gives teisho (dharma talks), meets with students and more chanting and meditation

6:30-breakfast-formal with silence and your bowl set. You receive 3 bowls which are wrapped up in cloth and have a washrag. At the end of the meal you get water in one of the bowls and clean all of then including your utensils (spoon and chopstix). Tremendously efficient.

After breakfast there is clean up and a short work period of general maintenance such as cleaning toilets, sweeping, emptying garbage,etc… Usually go for a dip in the hot pools post.

9AM- 12-Samu-work period. I had the honor and hard work of being the tenzo (cook). We were feeding from 5-80 people on New Year’s with up to 6 other people working in the kitchen. For a person who has never worked commercially as a cook it was an incredible experience, exhausting. I learned later that frequently the tenzo has many years of training before being given this opportunity.

12:30-lunch (informal, can talk) and clean up

2:30-4:30-Samu-more work. I frequently made dinner and prepped for the day to come. In the warm months there is much tending to their beautiful gardens, which I was still pulling exotic greens out of.

5:30-dinner, formal, in robes sometimes, clean up

6:30-8PM Zazen (seated meditation). This involved “rounds” of 25 minutes with a resting period in between, also still and silent, or walking meditation in the 0 degree weather, in robes. I put on my coat, many didn’t. You walk like a centipede, in each other’s steps, in darkness, stars above. There are wooden clappers and bowls that are rung as well as other rituals to let you know what to do next.

8:30-end of day

Quite a schedule to adapt to or live everyday! There were free days, some half days and to be honest, it takes an hour or two to remember how to not live on the schedule. I found myself in the kitchen, reading cookbooks and preparing snacks for the herds of folks that were coming in for the New Year’s Eve and Day programs on my time off.

New Year’s Eve was the most unusual I’ve participated in. It was a 4 hour meditation which included separate men’s and women’s hot pools, nude and in silence. There was a bonfire where Osho Hosen led a sharing of what one would like to leave behind in the fire. Her eclectic, feminine interpretation of Zen was refreshing. New Year’s Day was a large ceremony with a lot of chanting, many visitors.

Zen challenged my desire to praise God or Gods as I’ve adopted in Hinduism. The essence of this religion is esoteric, though very accepting. Monks and nuns are not celibate, there’s no constraints on alcohol or lifestyle as long as you adhere to the schedule. Even those who are challenging to the average person in the group are tolerated for a period of time. Stories go that some of the most obnoxious people end up giving the greatest service to the organization and very well may end up being the most devoted to the practice ultimately. I met some really lovely people whom I connected with immediately and had rich conversations. It reaffirmed my commitment to community, a dedicated work ethic and giving more of my self to those in need. It’s amazing what 5-10 people can accomplish when they are focused and hardworking. I’m going to be digesting this for a while though have a feeling it is a practice that will become deeper and more foundational to my being, seems to already be part of me and now it has more of a name.

Right now I am very tired. I seem to be reexperiencing chemo, 2 years later. Amazing how the body remembers the exact dates. I am going thru similar emotions and fatigue as when in chemo in the same cycles including unexplainable fear as if going to the hospital for the treatments. Willingly submitting to this poison felt much like going for a lobotomy with consent.

I don’t have plans for the new year, just letting it fill up day by day. It feels good, dreamlike at times. Sweet dreams to you gentle reader, lots of love and generosity for the new year. Thank you.