6-22-07

Good Morning Boys and Girls,

Have had a busy week since last writing. Had a beautiful weekend in a canyon not far from where I once lived with Dru and Jenny at a women’s Council. There was lots of ritual, prayer, food, hugging, crying, discussion, sharing, dancing, crafts, nature and @ 35 gorgeous women from NM, Rhode Island, Maine and Quebec. We did a sweat lodge,

Sweat lodge of Inipi
http://www.crystalinks.com/sweatlodge.html

purifying ourselves and giving prayers to everyone and the earth. I participated in a Rites of Passage ceremony where a beautiful hoop was constructed, adorned with flowers and those who had just entered their menses or would like to reclaim that period of time, were asked to walk thru the hoop and be adorned with a colorful corn necklace. I chose to do this as coming into my womanhood is a time I am working with a lot in the past couple years. My first menstruation was not celebrated but mourned. I felt shame and sadness at what my body was doing and never really got comfortable with the responsibility and joy of being a woman. My sisters last weekend have helped me so much in reclaiming that time, work that therapy seemed to need a ritual as such to feel completion with.

There was a croning ceremony for women who were 56 years or older. This was a beautiful way to invite in that change of life for women and all the power and wisdom that comes with reaching this age. 56 is the 2nd Saturn Return for people and that’s why the # was chosen for this Croning Ceremony. One of the sweetest things we did was called an Angel Walk. This commenced by all the women forming 2 receiving lines across from one another and the MC at the top. She “unspun” each woman individually, whispering affirmations and sweet words to the participant whose eyes were closed. The women in lines touched her through the line, also speaking positive words to the woman about herself or extending prayers to that individual. It was amazing what stuck with me about what women said and I felt as if 1000 smiles were giggling inside me. I wrote my cousin about this and he concurred, it would be a beautiful way to start each day.

Croning ceremony
http://www.tryskelion.com/crone3.htm
Saturn Return
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return

We each made prayer flag squares and I am the honored caretaker of these women’s prayers for the next year when I am to return them to the next council and we will burn them. Meanwhile, they will be sewn together and hung much like Tibetan prayer flags. I will tell you that my square prayed for No More Women to have Breast Cancer Surgery with FEAR in their Hearts. I also received a henna tattoo over the place where my tumor was/is. It is exactly opposite my real heart and I am considering getting something more permanent there to memorialize this time in my life, that part of my body.

Given all this love and support I felt good about approaching a fairly intense week of treatment. It started with an appointment at Women’s Health Services here in Santa Fe. I want to get a handle on the hormonal aspect of my constantly changing body and they take Medicaid. Met with a nice Doc there who unfortunately didn’t have much new on the hormone knowledge for me nor did she think Medicaid would pay for the testing I would like to do. She did understand my desire for a medical marijuana script though and told me she would get in touch with me about if she can write one and also the name of an advocate who used to work there. Next I went to Qi Gong class, had tea with my friend Deborah after. Next back to the place where I had the blood bath a few weeks earlier for a DMPS or heavy metal detox via IV. This was much more mellow, the nurse got a decent vein on the first try and I slowed down the intake to 3 hours but my vein seems much happier right now for not jamming the substance in too fast. I’m doing all the support around that now, cilantro tincture (of which I am making a gallon jug of), chlorella, kidney homeopathic support, vitamin C, multi and electrolytes. I’ll continue with til next Wednesday to assist in getting out any residual heavy metals. This time was much less dramatic symptomatically and I feel good right now.

The next day I had a pretty amazing and intense Somatic Experiencing session. It was on a table and she wanted to have my kidneys “drop”. She feels that the kidneys stay tucked in when there is fear. There were many sensations, colors and feelings throughout the session, we talked some and charted where my body started to feel things and she would move her hands accordingly. At the end of the session she said that I was the one who was expected to be the strongest in my family and forced to accept a heavy burden. Earlier in the session she asked if I had feelings about imposing on people, which I have very deep feelings about. I went immediately to Café Paris (overpriced substandard food but with the best outdoor eating near the plaza and where I was coming from) and wrote down all my thoughts on those two ideas. Deep, old and revelatory.

After shaking some of the floating feeling I had I went to my 1st session of

Manual Lymphatic Drainage
http://www.positivehealth.com/permit/Articles/Bodywork/eidelson71_p.htm

It was very relaxing and though the practitioner kept asking me annoying questions about who was my doctor and lab results, I understand she was nervous about working on me. She works with women who have had breast surgery and had lymph nodes removed. I thank G-d everyday I didn’t have mine taken out (and that I have 2 breasts!YEEHAW!!!)
I believe I would have serious lymphadema if I had as there is already so much lymph congestion and swelling in all my upper body. I believe my lymph are damaged but slowly repairing and I’d rather have a lymph gland operating at 50% vs. scar tissue. I feel if I stay on this path they will repair themselves in the next couple years to close to 100%. A few days later now I am feeling less congested and puffy in my whole body than I did before these treatments.

Next I drove east of town to meet with Ivy Amar who I have heard about for a while. She has kindly offered to adjust my Panchakarma program so it is more affordable and I will do much of it on my own. We discussed diet, a schedule as well as many other Ayurvedic and Hindu concepts. She invited me to a ceremony for the solstice that the Kiva Brothers(men who built this breathtaking kiva, complete with vigas, a sweet plaster job and parking lot). I went to this ceremony of burning purified cow dung, ghee and rice but was smoked out and honestly, very annoyed and agitated with. I appreciate this as a healing ceremony for those involved but it was not for me. Different Strokes.

Ivy Amar
www.ivyamar.com

I STRONGLY recommend seeing AIR GUITAR NATION.

http://www.airguitarnation.com/new/

Though scantily attended here in Santa Fe, I found it to be one of the funniest, smartest rockumentaries I’ve seen all year. It was well shot and edited. Most importantly and something I have found lacking in the genre in films I have seen this year, it told a great story with engaging and likable characters as well as rocked. I’ve been so moved by the bad Rockumentaries I’ve sent his year that I am working on a Lost Weekend of the Rockumentary Workshop that I plant to take “on tour” if you will. It’s disrespectful to the musicians to make a glorified home movie and then distribute it around the world. That’s my 2 cents and I’m stickin’ to it.



Thanks for playing. All my love
Lex

6-15-07-music and PanchaKarma

It’s been a while since my last blog entry. Met with a new surgeon down in Albuquerque named Susan Seedman. Word on the street is she is open to alternative care. I’m pretty combative and difficult in most of these environments. She seemed very nice but not much different than what I’ve encountered in the past and would not write a medical marijuana prescription for me. I was exhausted and angry after the appointment and fled the city for home. Before the Dr., I had the pleasure of finally meeting face to face Diane Di Camera who is the head of the Breast and Cervical Screening program for New Mexico. She has been an angel as far as Medicaid, support and dealing with the western medical world. Her family has been quite stricken with breast cancer. We talked about many things, among which is a fundraiser for “the ME film”. I want to thank my friends who have been trying to organize such an event. I’d like to take the opportunity to promote an alternative awareness that is also fun. I’m thinking about a pasties ski run down our fine Santa Fe mountain, men, women and hopefully some who have had surgery, skiing down, similar to the Komen walk. Only different. More on this as it develops.

After the appointment, I took most of the week off from treatment of a medical kind and indulged my deepest pleasure…live music. I also have returned to Ayurveda as a modality I want to pursue. This includes PanchaKarma which is a deep tissue detox involving oil, medicated enemas, nasal cleansing as well as gentle vomiting that releases some of the mucus that one just can’t release. Yeah, gentle vomit, doesn’t sound possible but it’s goal feels online with symptoms I’d like to alleviate. I have found a woman near Santa Fe named Ivy Amar who will work with my budget, me doing a lot of the treatment on my own for the 8 day period we have decided to do the detox for. I will do this beginning of July and meet with her for a consultation next week.

http://www.ayurveda.com/panchakarma/index.html

I will do another DMPS or heavy metal detox next week and all the support that goes along with that. Chlorella, cilantro tincture (of which I am making my own gallon jug of. Just using everclear and @ 10 bunches of fresh organic cilantro, letting it sit for a month). Kidney support, vitamin C, a multi and electrolyte replenishment for a week. Then I will start the PanchKarma. I’ll get a hormone panel from the women’s health center and meet with a gyno there. Continuing with the Somatic Experiencing therapy with Pam, Qi Gong classes and on my own daily. I am trying a manual lymphatic massage this week. My lymph, breasts and tissues are still very swollen and tender. I feel this detox regime is what I need to get out what I am thinking of as dead cancer cells as well as other toxins. It will be a very intense week and am glad that I had the opportunity to enjoy my self and great friends last week. This includes Jenny H. who will be moving here, just graduating from med school. She will do the first year of Acupuncture school here, her residency in Albuquerque and then supposedly finish up school in Santa Fe. That’s if the work of the Turquoise Mountain group doesn’t lead her back to Afghanistan, a place that holds her heart and ultimate designs on her contribution to this world.

I saw some great bands, Derek Trucks with his wife Susan Tedeschi. He’s very Duane Allman/Clapton like and she sounds like early Bonnie Raitt, back when she was drinking and didn’t have that crap production on all her albums. Also had the pleasure of going to a great show at the Santa Fe Brewing Company for the Frogville band Goshen’s CD release party of “Lioness”. Hundred Year Flood opened the festivities with Joe West as Xoe Fitzgerald, Time Traveling Transvestite MC’ing the show and playing some of his fab rock opera, complete with costume changes, electric guitar and managing his own fog machine. Boris and the Saltlicks also played exquisitely, his stand-up bass player Susan Holmes singing a beautifully eerie duet on one song that sounded like one of the Odyssey’s Sirens. Goshen is the brothers Palmer from Hundred Year Flood and guest vocals at times from the MY-T Felecia Ford, Bill Palmer’s wife and the multitalented Grant Hayunga. That’s what I love about Frogville, it’s all about family. And amazing music. Everyone is connected in one way or another. I made a glorified home movie called “VFWbya” about the beginnings of Frogville Records that started at our local Veterans of Foreign Wars club. Check out their website, you can listen to music free online or buy it and get tour schedules at:

www.frogvilleplanet.com

Went out to dinner with Stacy Pearl as part of a restaurant review of Kasasoba for her radio program called “Mouth of Wonder”. She’s the hilarious, talented head chef of Walter Burke catering and has owned her own restaurant in Williamsburg Brooklyn called… Stacy’s. I am this week’s guest cohost. The show is focused on food, recipes and her characters such as Rula from Williamsburg, NY and Shiela Vista who visited the holistic expo. It’s playing on KSFR 90.7 on Saturday, June 16th at 11:30 AM and can be accessed after at www.prx.org. She also has a website with all her recipes and reviews at www.mouthofwonder.com

Speaking of radio, went to hear Chuck D and Brian Hardgroove of Public Enemy speak at the Plaza about the commercialization of our mass media. There was a very informative and passionate panel at the Santa Fe Brewing Company before the Frogville event too. Looks like we’re headed to zombieville with no balls if we don’t support independent, community radio, press and television. It’s up to us folks. Check out this website for ideas on support:

www.keepindiealive.com

Saw at least half of everyone I’ve ever know at the Santa Fe Reporter Block Party, our free weekly paper. Hundred Year Flood rocked the block as well as the Santa Fe Allstars, Xoe Fitzgerald’s alter ego, Joe West with the mega talented Ben Wright on guitar, Sharon Gilchrist on fiddle and Susan Holmes on bass. Ran into my dog Jenny’s dad, Dru and his lovely betrothed Rachel who are breaking all the hippie rules and getting married! Congratulations guys, y’all were meant for one another, only took Andrew 9 years to work up the courage to ask!

I’m headed off to a women’s gathering in the woods for the weekend. Ritual, ceremony and celebration of the earth, our giving mother. I’ve got the drums, tarot deck as well as pictures of Kali and Shiva packed up. I’m thankful to my neighbor/tenants Joshua and D. for being here, giving me the peace of mind to go away and know the creatums are well taken care of. I’m thankful for so much. The rain, sleeping 8 hours straight last nite, this beautiful sunny day. Thank you for caring about me enough to read this, y’all are with me this Father’s Day weekend of celebration, love and creation. A big shout out to you Norm!
Gobs of gooey love,
lex

june forecast from school of shamanism-www.thepowerpath.com

June Forecast 2007
The main theme for June is RE-EVALUATION.

It is also the month to re-organize, re-configure, re-structure and put the pieces of your life back into a new order. This can either be a creative process full of inspiration, humor, love and joy, or it can be a chaotic process where you lose yourself to martyrdom, self-deception and drama.

Many of you may be feeling disjointed and somewhat out of sync from the bursts of creativity and destruction last month. And most of you probably have many issues that feel chaotic and unresolved with no rational resolution in sight. Remember that the edge of chaos holds the most creative energy, the highest potential and the greatest possibilities.

The theme of Re-evaluation plays out this month in helping you get your priorities straight with regard to how you are re-organizing, re-configuring, re-structuring, and putting the pieces back into a new order. What you will be re-evaluating is what serves you and what does not, what supports you and what does not, where your motivation comes from, where your attachments are, whether your heart is open, whether you are on the right track or not and whether your direction in life has emotional integrity.

One of the aspects of a time of re-evaluation is that the patterns of stimulus/response and expected reaction to circumstances and events causing your experience of life to be non-linear and somewhat confusing. The right brain wants center stage for awhile forcing a more creative, non-linear approach to problem solving, decision making and the navigating of daily life. It is best this month not to have too much rigidity in your schedule giving you the opportunity to explore these different non-linear ways of putting the pieces back together
Here are a couple of suppositions to contemplate:

Suppose that you lost everything in a natural disaster. Where would you start rebuilding your life? What would you definitely not repeat? What would you do now that you were never confident enough or were afraid to do before? What would you really miss, what was most important to you? What do you now give a lot of time and energy to that would immediately become not important?
This will begin to help you re-evaluate your priorities so that you can use the things that you are connected to with your heart as the corner stones to your new configuration and structure.

It is important not to get caught up in the minutia and details but rather keep your focus on the big picture. Re-evaluate, make choices and re-organize where it makes the biggest impact in your life. The details will follow. You may not know how the details will all fit yet, so if you focus too narrowly on the details you are likely to miss the opportunity.This is a month when many of themes for the year surface in one way or another.

At times you may stretch beyond your comfort zone in what you believe is possible, this will require Flexibility.

Expression, Creativity and the Emotional Center continue to be the guiding forces, molding the re-evaluation and how you put the pieces back together.
Dissolving, Letting Go, Chaos, Mood Swings and Drama all play a part in moving you along this month.

Dreams and Dreaming will be important contributors to your heart-oriented creative process of re-organization. In fact some of you may find yourselves sleeping either way more or way less. The astral plane is very active and very accessible this month. You can take advantage by setting intentions before you go to sleep to get some help with non-linear problem solving on any issue that you feel stuck or out of control with.

There is also a community aspect to the times. Because of the shifting of energies on the planet, more and more people who have agreements to reconnect with their spiritual families will be trying to do just that. You may suddenly get a strong feeling about going somewhere to visit and end up meeting someone important to you. Or you may experience a kind of familiarity or déjà vu in your dreams. Or people whom you physically knew in the past but have lost touch with will come back into your life to check in. You also may feel the urge to check in and reconnect with people from the past.

One of the results of this need to connect is that some will literally take the opportunity to move location especially if where you live is devoid of people that feel familiar to you or feel like they are a part of your “tribe”. These relocations will be driven by emotional and heart choices rather than career moves therefore requiring a lot of trust. In the months of July and August we will see the greatest movement resulting from the activities of this month.

The greatest opportunity this month is to end up in a different place physically, emotionally and spiritually with your community, your work, your relationships, your health, your intentions and your ability to create. Keep you eye on the big picture and trust your emotional intuition.

The greatest challenges will be to trust, to be flexible, to let go when necessary, to stay out of martyrdom, not wallow in chaos and not get caught in too narrow of a focus.


Relationships:
If people are coming into your life or moving out of your life suddenly it is for a good reason. Make time in your schedule for unexpected visits, phone calls, emails etc. If you are moved to connect or reconnect with someone, do it. The community pull is an emotional one and will be the strongest agent of change. If you are looking to change your living or work situation, do it for relationship rather than anything else. Community is the most sustainable support system when all else fails.

Personal Growth and Well-Being
Be prepared to surprise yourself in how you react, where you stretch, and your ability to expand your comfort zone. You will be able to reach for new heights in your sense of well-being. This will depend on your constant vigilance in keeping your frequency high. The sun is an important element this month being summer. Be sure to spend some time in the sun with the intention of keeping your frequency as high as possible. Another suggestion is that you regularly clean your environment out energetically using sage, light or whatever other method you prefer.

Business, Finance, Projects, Partnerships
This area continues to go through re-structuring, re-configuring, dissolving and coming back together in a new way. It will be a bit tricky to both pay attention to the details and to keep your eye on the big picture when it comes to finances and financial obligations. Be careful to discipline your mind so that it does not go into limited thinking when you consider what is possible. This is an area where you can engage the theme of dreams and dreaming to stretch beyond the box of limited thinking. Be sure your dreams are in harmony with your heart and your emotional integrity.

Physical Health and Well–Being
The Re-evaluation of the month may cause you to feel disjointed, in a stupor, unfocused and dealing with a variety of unexplainable physical symptoms. Be patient with the body as it is trying to catch up to where your energy wants to go. Don’t be alarmed by mystery symptoms especially nerve pain, joint discomfort and skin rashes.

Climate, Weather and the Environment
Look for continued instability, weather surprises and unexpected patterns. Creative expression in weather is still active and may be more dramatic than usual. It is a good idea to let go of expectations and to be flexible in plans. As old structures dissolve so may travel schedules and the efficiency of public transportation of all kinds. Have numerous back up plans and contingencies if you plan to travel. On another note, any climactic or environmental events that fall under the category of disaster will serve to bring community together in a new way.

Government, Politics and Global Issues
Re-evaluation of motives, the study of self-deception, power re-structuring and the dissolving of old structures continues. Look for twists and turns, surprises and some chaos. It will be even more difficult to get a straight story. Do not believe everything you hear or read. Keep your eye on your own big picture. In this way you can better influence what happens in the future.

Specific Dates:

May 31: Full moon at 6:04PM Mountain Standard Time: Honor what has shown up in your life as a teacher, agent of change, opportunity or inspiration. Agree with yourself that you will use this opportunity as a way to be inspired rather than to feel diminished, inconvenienced or victimized. Your attitude is everything. Remember that keeping your frequency high through spiritual practice, humor and love, is the antidote to depression, lethargy and despair.

June 1-8: A time defined by chaos and feeling out of sorts. This is not a bad thing. Pay attention to what is in front of you and flex with the changes. Try and be less rigid with your schedule and less attached to the outcome of things.

June 9-15: This time frame supports community, exchange, support, and opening the heart. It is not the time to be or feel alone. Pay attention to who is in your life either in a new way or old friends cycling back in. Make time for relationship. Put people first.

June 14: New Moon at 8:13PM Mountain Standard Time. Set intentions regarding new foundations, practices, attitudes, especially involving any new people in your life.

June 16-22: Re-evaluation time based on what you observe is moving or not moving in your life. Stay out of martyrdom and take responsibility for your actions. This is a time to not only re-evaluate but also to make choices that are a bit of a stretch for you, moving you outside your comfort zone.

June 21: Summer Solstice at 12:06PM Mountain Standard time. Use the high level energy of this transition time to take a risk and move yourself out of the box of your comfort zone. Focus on what you need to let go of that feels like a limitation. Stay in your heart.

June 23-30: A warm creative time where all the pieces have an opportunity to fall neatly into a new place provided that you are in emotional integrity with where you are and who you are with. If your life feels opposite to this, re-evaluate what needs to change.

June 30: Full Moon at 6:39 AM Mountain Standard Time. This is a higher centered time to experience love, joy and satisfaction. Spend it with community and be inspired.

Have a great month!
Jose and Lena

MRI

After the last blog, y’all could use a little good news right? The first pass on my MRI came out as favorable. The radiologist did not see cancer. Dr. L, the radiologist I brought my old films to is not the one to sign off on it and I have asked for a written report comparing the new with the old. Still, a big sigh of relief for the moment. I had gotten my self psyched up to not care either way, that it would not change my path but I’ll admit to you my devoted readers, I sat in my car and cried juicy, joyous tears of anxiety release for a good ten minutes. Then I went to Qi Gong. So what does this all mean? Did I sound the alarm, duping my friends and family and sending my self back into crisis mode for no good reason? I believe otherwise and here is why.

The only other time I have physically and emotionally what I would call a crisis period like this one is when I had cancer the first time. The development of the tumor grew symbiotically with my anxious, paranoid and angry demeanor. I’m experiencing the same healing action in my, breast and body only without all the side effects of chemo to confuse me. I do believe I had a cancer episode and by responding as quickly as I did, a healing action occurred. My immune system is bolstered and is working to overpower the cancer cells at the tumor site. My hope is that my body can shed them and not have them attach to any of my other organs or be transported live in my blood to my bone marrow. I believe the European Mistletoe, the elimination of any sugar and intense physical and emotional detox are to thank. Other symptoms that alert me to the cancer crisis I experienced are as follows: a lot of mucus though not being sick or having allergies(though I did have allergies earlier for the first time). I had dramatic nipple change, moles that changes color, texture and size, grossly enlarged lymph nodes all though my arms and breast tissue areas, cuts or sores that take a long time to heal and obviously, a quickly growing lump and constant changes at the former tumor site.

I have thought about my path that lead me back to the cancer crisis and it started when I fell and bruised my whole right side, including my breast where cancer had been. I was falling back into former social habits, having fun, but feeling more like an unconscious drunk girl in my 20’s than the woman who is now much older though much wiser. I have been under a lot of financial stress, heightened by the balance transfer season, spending days on the phone with credit card companies trying to figure out how to hold on for a while longer. I had taken some work for a very consuming month. This proved to be emotionally taxing as well as physically demanding. I was under scrutiny from a friend and silently arguing with her. I did a spring cleanse of all my organs which perhaps brought some dormant cancer cells to life. In therapy we were working with very painful and deep memories that I feel surfaced physically. In an attempt to simplify my life, I took on a remodel project of my home with a lovely young couple who have moved in. The chemicals from that as well as the fear of not living alone (it’s been ten years!) had me feeling very sick and upset. These are all factors that reminded me of the angst, lack of sleep and physical distress I had experienced before I was diagnosed in ’05.

I will continue hardcore on the ever-changing path of cancer maintenance I choose through the fall. For now this includes going to see a doctor tomorrow so I have one that conforms with the Medicaid system. Her name is Susan Seedman and she is in Albuquerque. I would still like to be part of New Mexico’s medical marijuana program because if I should at some time decide to do chemo, I wouldn’t consider it without. Instead of valium, percadans and atavans that were prescribed to me in the first hysterical diagnosis, weed has allowed me to move forward calmly and thoughtfully in this crisis period. My digestion is working also which the prescription stuff wreaks havoc on. I believe the heavy metal detox is essential to my overall health and will continue to do those once a month, hopefully at a different clinic in town I have recently discovered. I think I can physically and emotionally handle a stick a month. The outcome of the first heavy metal detox was intense and difficult but I feel worth the long-term results and money. Detoxifying overall is my self-prescription by maintaining a cancer aware diet and letting go of physical as well as emotional burdens. Somatic Experiencing therapy has been intense and deep. Who would have thought that having my breasts talk to one another would give me such insight to my darkest pain? I will continue to do Qi Gong, meditation and breath work as well as schedule retreats that include prayer and being in nature. Hours of hot soaking and sauna followed by cold plunges feel right as does hot mineral water. I would like to do the Ayurvedic detox Panchakarma this summer. If I could only pick one thing I think it would be spending as much time as possible in the woods, canyons and mesas, by streams of rushing water. I have prepared and accepted the possibility of not living to my 45th birthday and that’s ok. In the next breath I can also visualize the memory of a dream my mom once had about me. I was an old woman with long grey hair flying out my truck window, dogs in the back. I’ve read so many anecdotes about people who have had intense, degenerative diseases and are here today, decades later, doing beautiful, important work, walking their talk and giving to their communities. I can see that too. I’m determined to not live my life for fear of dying though, I’ve already lived such amazing richness, I feel very blessed. Keeping sense of humor and lots of laughing with friends, family and animals of all walks are certainly in the prescription also. Thank you all for hangin’ in there with me and I will continue this blog as well as the recipe blog.
Happy Trails,
Lex