7-20-07

Up at 4:30 this morning I am bogged down in thought. I feel a growing inertia as how to proceed with my own care, nervous to ignore but stunted by finances and indecision. I continue with my daily routine of meditation and Qi Gong down by the stream, conscious eating and various remedies. Watching Jenny coughcoughcough, this tumor in her throat making it difficult for her to get breath sometimes makes death by cancer palpable. I start to worry about all the credit card debt, the house projects I want to accomplish if only I had a bit of capital. Why don’t I get a real job and give up on this confidence that my films will pay some bills? Will he love me back? Will Jenny die before winter? Will I file for bankruptcy before next year? Yes, these thoughts circlecirclecircle and then…it stops.

I know the answers to these questions by admitting I have no answers, no matter how much I work, fret or try to control. I vacillate between this place of Zen and stupidity. I am thankful for the friendships I have in my life and the changing of patterns I have carried with me since birth and childhood. Somatic Experiencing as an emotional therapy has been excruciatingly intense though satisfying. The years of talk therapy, EMDR and other work is the ladder to the precipice I have dived off as of late. This new landscape is frequently terrifying, changing the destructive patterns instilled in me for so long but thrilling to know I am truly realizing my actual self. The Genetic Energetic as I am calling it of what was passed down to me as the fourth generation woman to have breast cancer feels like it has the opportunity to stop mutating and develop a healthy matrix. Will that be realized in my own family or in the next incarnation of what remains of me? The hard work I have done, am doing, is a life’s work. I secretly hope that the next birth will be easier, more accomplished, not held back by ancestral sadness.

As a 2nd generation Jewish American, there has been so much pain, suffering and grief before me. Many moons ago I feel I was living in India but perhaps just before I was gassed in a chamber in Auschwitz. That being would have been so thankful for my life and a little breast cancer, Ha! Big deal! We can’t live our lives evaluating in comparison to others. Or can we? At least in this life I have Wilco, my favorite band, Jeff Tweedy’s words catharticing my anguish, soothing my beasts. Check out Yankee Foxtrot Hotel as an album. It is my soundtrack the past few days and often over the past few years. And so gentle reader I will leave you with his words…

BE NOT SO FEARFUL-Jeff Tweedy

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Someone watches you
You won't fail

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Be not so nervous
Be not so frail

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Someone watches you
You won't leave the rails

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Be not so fearful
Be not so pale

You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Be not so sorry
For what you have done


Y’all are BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT!
Love,
Lex